It’s nearing the 1 year anniversary of my trip to Korea (Dec 8th) and it’s been a whirlwind of a year.  One of my best friend’s wife recently asked to interview me for a paper she was writing.  It’s because of this that I am beginning to write more of my story.  Perhaps one day I will expand on this and write my memoirs.  Please take great care in your comments, this is extremely sensitive for me and I have shared very few of these details with anyone, including my family and closest friends.  This post is meant more as a healing element than a conversation piece.  This is entirely written from my perspective, right or wrong, this is what I know and grew up knowing.

One year ago I was finally able to start the journey of letting go of the past, all 34 years.  I think back at what got me started on the journey to Korea, something that only God could have orchestrated.  It was a free trip to Korea, organized by the wonderful people at G.O.A.L., and fostered by the Korean adoptee community.  I will be forever grateful to Dae-won and his colleagues.

A year ago, little was known of my birth family.  I only knew that my mother had died not long after giving birth to me, and my father was sick and unable to care for me.  My understanding was that I was given up for adoption by my father, and I have always thought he truly abandoned me.  Growing up thinking that he didn’t want me, and with the pain too much to bear, I never cared to look for him or seek him out.

I was adopted by a pastor, Raymond Batema, who was visiting Korea.  Raymond and a Korean missionary brought him to the Livingstone Adoption Agency.  I was told that for the first time in the adoption agency, I calmly came in and sat in their lap.  Something I had never done before.

My narrative case history …

Jae Chul is a pure Korean little boy who has black hair, black eyes and fair skin.  He has no distinguishable features or marks who is growing normally in all respects.  He eats cooked rice at every mealtime.  Also, he is given milk, sponge cake, soft-boiled egg and grapes between meals.  He has good appetite and likes to eat anything.  He is much choosey.  He sleeps well from 10:00pm to 6:00am and takes nap for 2 hours a day.  He uses his chamber pot.  He is able to use his spoon and eat by himself. He is able to say “Umma” (mother) and makes out what adults say.  He is able to walk freely and is a bit stubborn.  He is active and cute.  He has good looking face and healthy.

Orphan

While waiting for the adoption process, I clearly recall staying with my foster parents, the Patricks.  I remember planting corn in pots, and I still have the Korean children's books that were written in English.

Eventually I went to live in California with Beverly Batema and Raymond Batema.  I’m not sure of my age, somewhere between the age of 3 and 4.  While living there I do not remember much, except the bad parts.  I remember having lots of sisters, and a brother who wasn’t nice to me.  I remember a mother who beat me, abused me both physically and emotionally.  I remember being beat night after night for wetting the bed, all while asking for a night light.  I remember a being forced to ride on the back of horse, holding on for dear life.

My parents tell me that eventually they convinced the Batemas to let them care for me.  That Beverly was angry with Ray and took it out on me.  So years later, on October 4th, 1984, I officially received my 3rd and final name, Randy Walker (Jae Chul Yoo, Jae Chul Yoo Batema).  I remember being in my pajamas, sick as I recall, traveling in a car with the Batemas, meeting Kenneth and Barbara Walker (the missionaries that helped find me), and being handed over.  I remember arriving at their home and they had a tv with a remote with huge push buttons, and I got to pick what to watch.

Over the past 35 years, I’ve lived in over 40+ homes (I stopped counting at some point), 2 countries, 3 states, and 9+ metropolitan areas.

So that brings me to 2008.  My recent ex-wife had tried to blame our problems on my adoption, which was far from the truth.  But it set the seed.  In a random set of events, I found out about a free trip to Korea and rushed my application in, trying to avoid talking to my parents about it, but eventually having to ask them for my adoption papers.  Little did I know the reason I was selected …

A few weeks after being selected, I received an email

Dear Mr. Randy Walker

Hello!  

      I found your birth sister and told her that you will be in Korea next month. She was very happy and excited to hear that. Actually, she ever asked to our agency to locate you in 2004, but we could not find you at that time.  Would you write a letter for the birth sister and send it to our agency?  Your birth mother died before you were adopted and the birth father passed away by lung cancer last year.

    You said in the Essay that your original adoptive mother physically abused you, the people who originally found me, the Walkers, adopted you.  Please explaine us more precisely what happened to you.

    Will you visit to your birth place while you are in Korea?

Thank you

I can vaguely remember my thoughts.  I remember pacing a lot, even cursing a little, and praying a lot.  I never told anyone, no one knew the journey I was to embark on.  No one knew that I was to meet my birth family.  Heh, I even recall my parents talking to me about possibly finding my family, a subject I quickly avoided.

My trip was amazing.  I met 42 brothers and sisters on the same journey as I.  We laughed together, we cried together.  All of us on the same journey to Korea.  Many of us taking different paths.  Some of us meeting birth family, other not.  I saw lives transformed, touched.  People were able to move on with their lives, for better or worse.

For me personally it clarified many of the issues of abandonment I grew up with.  I was able to walk away knowing that I had worth and value.  I was able to walk away with dear friends, lifelong dear friends.  I was able to walk away with the self identity and pride of being a Korean American in a southern society which doesn’t always accept me.  I was able to walk away with a loving relationship with an amazing and beautiful (inside and out) Korean adoptee, to whom I will be forever grateful.  I was able to walk away with the confidence of ensuring my son has a father who is always there.  I was able to walk away with a future …